Special.
Aren’t all of us
Twisted
In our own
Needy self-estimations?
--------------------------
Coached at birth- "special."
Taken for granted- a fact.
"You are so unique."
Shower me with your
distinctions;
distinguish
me
amongst the masses.
Seven billion grains
of quicksand
to swallow
me
my identity
whole. And so mothers'
reassurance, like a hand,
pulls me from the bog.
I age.
Mom's grip weakens.
Gasp
as I sink into seven billion grains.
Sinking
frantic
Grasp the grim, glittering life vest-
the filth of my soul.
"Yes", I breathe, relieved.
"I am a dark and complex
creature. This is me."
I hold my darkness
aloft, like a torch, declare,
"Yes. I am special."
Exultant, until
seven billion raised torches
glow dark on the bog.
--------------------------
Coached at birth- "special."
Taken for granted- a fact.
"You are so unique."
Shower me with your
distinctions;
distinguish
me
amongst the masses.
Seven billion grains
of quicksand
to swallow
me
my identity
whole. And so mothers'
reassurance, like a hand,
pulls me from the bog.
I age.
Mom's grip weakens.
Gasp
as I sink into seven billion grains.
Sinking
frantic
Grasp the grim, glittering life vest-
the filth of my soul.
"Yes", I breathe, relieved.
"I am a dark and complex
creature. This is me."
I hold my darkness
aloft, like a torch, declare,
"Yes. I am special."
Exultant, until
seven billion raised torches
glow dark on the bog.
Aren’t all of us
Twisted
In our own
Needy self-estimations?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAltered haiku- 5 + 2 + 3 + 7 = 17.
DeleteThis feels like the beginning of a series of haiku to me. It feels like the opening statement in a psychological exploration of self. It is a little too easy to stop here. We all already know how difficult it is to know one's self. But I can imagine this poem going on to say some wise things.
ReplyDeleteI get the impression that these few lines took alot of forethought: in the same way your "Cats in the Cradle and Some Cutlery" was impressive with all the thought it takes to carry an idea for so long, this poem is at the opposite extreme of length but well calculated as well.
ReplyDeleteI like the "T" sounds: "aren't" "twisted" "estimations"
And "twisted" is a great word, worthy of its own line: it evokes imagery of being tangled in the sheets.
If you were to add to this, this haiku could be a great opening haiku or an intriguing end haiku.
This is a poignant Haiku.
ReplyDeleteI liked the "i," "t," and "w" sounds.
Some punctuation suggestions: "Needy, self-estimations?" perhaps, insert comma, dash.
This Haiku feels on the brink of some wise thought - I'd love to see a few more developing this theme you've set up, of self-doubt.
By itself, this Haiku seems to stare into all of us, glaring - I feel like its accusing me of something I've done, but I don't know yet exactly what that specific self-estimation event is, and I want the speaker to elaborate on it.
I think "twisted" is the cutting word - one wouldn't expect that accusal.
Feels a bit Dickinson to me :) A lot of your poems deal with phenomenology, philosophical ponderings into the nature of the self. I like it.
This is a nicely worded, insightful comment on human nature. The wording feels precise--as though it says exactly what it means to say. I liked the phrasing of "needy self-perception."
ReplyDeleteSo i actually wrote out a whole comment on this before and it didnt post and im really sad about it bc i cant fully recall what i wrote.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, I shall try for attempt number 2.
I love this poem. I love its takes on haiku. Though deviating from the original form by not focusing on nature and having the cutting word ("twisted") so early on it maintains the humor of haiku while still being a serious statement. I like the break from normal haiku line breaks bc it has a meta effect where the poem feels self aware of its own need to be special by breaking form and how it too is twisted, just like its most notable word. I noticed you changed the last line to "Needy self estimations?" and i like the use of the word "needy" but self estimation feels like a too complex term for the tone of this poem and its abstract nature feels somewhat obscure to the point im not actually sure what you mean by that whilst i follow the rest of the poem. Overall i truly love this.
updated; added the rest. Although some stanzas are unconventional, all stick within the 17 syllable rule; most even do 5-7-5 (although I particularly deviate in the way I break up the middle 7 line). The first haiku should be viewed as sort of an epigraph, which is then repeated at the end of the poem.
ReplyDelete