A Good Face.
It peels around the edges sometimes
especially in winter
when the wind chaffs its delicate corners.
It's stiff and stale and stuffy under here sometimes-
doesn’t always fit right.
Maybe I got the wrong size?
Basking in approval, smiling, suffocating.
Sometimes I peel it away to catch a breath of crisp air, unfiltered
the cold hitting naked skin like a fresh slap.
It’s freeing when I do this- alone.
Those moments are fleeting-
stolen seconds
when I am no more than myself
before smoothing down my rice-paper dignity.
before smoothing down my rice-paper dignity.
This poem is so beautiful and well constructed. Each word and line break feel deliberate and artfully chosen. Really my only comment is that the subject matter seems unclear to me. The title implies its a face but by the second stanza that doesn't make sense. The conclusion implies it is dignity but the imagery is so broad it can be called in to question. I think just clarifying it or mentioning it earlier would help. Overall this is awesome.
ReplyDeleteI really like this poem. I think the metaphor is very poignant; beneath the mask of dignity is the real you, which is itching to be free. This is a age-old, universal metaphor which you execute very well; everyone reading the poem can probably relate to this feeling. Plus, it's very relevant for the upcoming month - Adar, hiding behind a mask!! Is that why you wrote it?
ReplyDeleteThe only two suggestions I have is to swap some of the word choice (ex: use a more descriptive verb for "It gets stiff..." than "gets") and to remove some extraneous words (ex: "especially in the winter", remove "the").
Overall, well done.
I like the metaphor--it's controlled, but also vivid, which keeps it both interesting and focused. I like how tactile the poem is--much more tactile than visual, which makes it especially strong, as it gives the reader the sensation of being trapped beneath the mask along with the speaker.
ReplyDeleteThe title is specific, which allows you to start with the vague "it"--which is great for holding suspense. (Much better to start with "it" than "my face" or "the mask" or "my dignity")
I like the image (sense?) of "when the wind chaps its delicate corners."
I like the way the "stiff and stale and stuffy" sounds fit together--nice alliteration and consonance. At first I wasn't sure about the use of three adjectives in a row, but I think I like the rhythm of it.
I would reconsider the line "People like it, so I'll deal"--I think it's a bit too coloquial.
I like the image of "the cold hitting naked skin like a fresh slap" -- though the simile can be perceived as negative.
(Professor Miller would probably advise putting the one-word lines at the end of previous longer lines).
I think the lines "moments for me/when I am no more than myself" are repetitive and can be combined.
I'm of two minds about the last line--it might be a bit too neat...I like the line "rice-paper dignity" but I think it's too neat as the last line--"this is what my poem was about"--maybe you can sneak it in earlier? Or build a bit past? Not end on the word "rice-paper dignity" but instead do something to/with the rice-paper dignity?
I'd be interested in maybe seeing more tactile imagery of the mask?
Reading the other comments I realize that this is about a mask -- I was awed by the creativity of a metaphor of a winter coat lol. I agree with Avigayil about the tactile imagery of the poem: I hear auditory imagery as well: the "rice-paper dignity" is great -- I feel the thinness between my fingers and hear the crinkling. I appreciate how raw this is, with lines like, "the cold hitting naked skin like a fresh slap." I like the casual realness in here, but it can sound a little out of place among the more eloquent declarations. "People like it, so I'll learn to deal" effectively communicates the idea, but maybe a smoother phrasing could help the flow? This is a great poem!
ReplyDeleteCool Topic! Truthfully, what does it mean to have "A Good Face"? Even if what is being worn is a mask, it is out of ones control if "it peels around the edges sometimes". The only thing that seems to be missing is more about what "A Good Face" in contrast looks like. Otherwise, great poem!
ReplyDeleteUpdate: Replaced "People like it, so I'll learn to deal." with "Basking in approval, smiling, suffocating."
ReplyDeleteupdate: "moments for me" replaced by "stolen seconds"
DeleteAmazing!
DeleteI really like the parallel between Winter, wearing a mask / (face covering bc it's cold), Purim (maybe it was coincidental but the timing is appropriate), and the deep yearning to just be yourself. mY favorite line is - "Basking in approval, smiling, suffocating." It is sharp and descriptive an helps the reader convey the myriad of emotions that are going on within you. The last line-" before smoothing down my rice-paper dignity." was a bit confusing for me , as not sure what you mean by rice paper. Other than that, very well done!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm a little puzzled by the rice paper reference as well.
Delete"Mask as metaphor" poems can be hard to pull off, because the idea has been done so many times, sort of like using a wall as a metaphor for repression or a clock as a metaphor for time. This poem mostly overcomes this challenge, though, through it persistent use of concrete descriptions and avoidance of vague abstractions, except for at the end of the last two stanzas.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part is "the cold hitting naked skin like a fresh slap." That is a near perfect simile that makes instant sense.
In line three, you mean "chaffs" not "chaps."
Fleeting moments and basking in approval are a bit cliched. "Alone" is weak and abstract and doesn't hold up on a line by itself. Abstractions like this often feel powerful in the mind of the composing writer, but they don't carry the same meaning in the reader. To us, it's just a single word alone on a line.
Keep it up with the concrete, tactile descriptions and add those powers to your toolbox.