Bully.
“Babies
can’t play.”
Cruel
childhood laughter.
“Go away,
baby.”
Small, staccato sniffles.
My blood
was warm before I knew I was angry-
Heart pumping
magma, form expanding until I was ten feet tall and powerful
Dark
pigtails swinging by flushed cheeks
Blue eyes
snapping and crackling
Pink and
white sketchers pounding out a battle march on the wet grass
Thundering
towards him and his tormenters.
My
towering frame shielding his small, scared face from their gaze,
Venom in
my mouth.
“Leave him
alone.”
Disdainful mirth, the Bratz on their matching pink T-shirts cackling along.
“We don’t
have to listen to you! You’re a baby too!”
An attempt
to reach around my human shield. Poor choice.
Detonation.
I heard
the crack of a fist against her face
Before I
knew it was mine.
Later, a
lecture.
“We don’t
use our hands.”
But what
if they ignore the words?
I
protested.
What if
the words are swallowed up
In the
maelstrom of echoing laughter?
Dragons
are slain by swords
Not speeches.
“He’s my
brother,”
I pronounced
with all of the solemnity of a sermon,
ice-blue burning
out of my still-flushed face.
“If I have
to use my hands, I will.”
A time-out
to make me rethink my actions,
Pigtails long
askew, knuckles aching, face still hot to the touch.
But not
without a poorly hidden twinkle of pride
In my
father’s eye
Louder than
the applause of a packed theater,
Quiet enough to make me doubt whether it was there.
Quiet enough to make me doubt whether it was there.
I love the parallel you drew between a little girl and a powerful person ready for battle. Very well done. I would be careful of repetitive phrases such as "Cruel childhood laughter." I also feel the two lines "Bone seeking bone/ Blood crying out for blood." are unnecessary.
ReplyDeleteI agree about those two lines. They seem more violent than the situation actually calls for, given the childhood playground context.
DeleteI love the line where you introduce that it is your brother. That line drew me in. I agree that the repetition of the line, "cruel childhood laughter" is a little much at times. I loved the line when I read it first, and I understand the reason for repeating it throughout the poem, but it seemed unnecessary. This poem is really engaging, I like it a lot.
ReplyDeleteThis is an extremely powerful poem. I appreciate the strong language and vivid imagery, though it seems a bit much at times. I think the line, "cruel childhood laughter" conveys what you're saying well but I dont know that both words are necessary. I really like the notion of never letting anyone else harm your family, especially younger siblings (except for another sibling of course) and find that unrelenting message extremely relatable.
ReplyDeleteI honestly have the chills. This is an incredibly powerful poem. There are so many strong lines. One of my favorite lines you wrote is "Heart pumping magma, form expanding until I was ten feet tall and powerful". Your word choice is also extremely impressive. You certainly do not use any dull language. While I loved how you choose to word and describe the situation with the bully, I think sometimes you may have been slightly overly descriptive. For example, when you write "Dark pigtails swinging by flushed cheeks. Blue eyes snapping and crackling. Pink and white sketchers pounding out a battle march on the wet grass." I think you may have overly focussed on certain features. On the other hand, your imagery is extremely captivating and draws the reader in. Overall, I really loved the poem and think that you made it clear, not by telling the reader but by showing the reader that no one messes with the Mayers.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely love this poem. The way you make the reader think in the first stanza that you're just a bystander to the bullying up until the ending when we realize you're protecting your family is spot on. I can almost hear the sounds that you are trying to evoke in this piece and I think it's amazing. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI love the imagery that is lined up to tell a story! I especially love the lines
ReplyDelete"I heard the crack of a fist against her face
Before I knew it was mine
Bone seeking bone
Blood crying out for blood."
It gave me shivers! I really love this poem and my one suggestion (which is very small, I had to look around for something!) would be to possibly reconsider the description "Cruel childhood laughter." Given your talent at descriptive language, I feel like you could pull up some imagery that more accurately describes what you're telling :] Thank you for sharing!
Good start to the class with this vivid poem that uses a lot of descriptive imagery and mostly succeeds in showing rather than telling its dramatic situation.
ReplyDeleteIn some places you are a little repetitive, making sure we "get it" when you really don't need to be. For example, the beginning of the fourth line of the poem already implies the second line of the poem.
I thought "heart pumping magma" was less effective, and the really short lines would probably be better if combined with other lines.
I really like the image of the little girls in the poem growing tall and powerful. I like how swiftly it happens and how it SHOWS the feeling of power and righteous anger. I also really like this line: "Pigtails long askew, knuckles aching, face still hot to the touch." These images of a young girl angry and fearless in defense of a sibling are delightful.