Self-Awareness.
My self sought to describe itself to me-
And thus resolved to teach me all its ways.
It wished to show me what itself could see-
Incorporeal, I could not trace its gaze.
It was to me my self had wished to teach-
Explain to me to what it feels averse.
Yet absent of the faculty of speech
My self could hardly explicate in verse.
Its deepest needs my self wished to reveal
In want of smile, of laugh, embrace and kiss-
My self at last retired to reside
In sorrowful, perplexing otherness.
Its brave last effort had my self conceal
Itself within my own power to feel.
Yet again I am in awe of your skill as a poet. This piece is utterly beautiful and i absolutely adore it. My only comments are this; that i think the word incorporeal stands out amidst the poem and that (and this one i have mixed feelings on) you have some inverse of phraseology (i say i have mixed feelings because i also in part really like this quality because ti adds to the confusion and complexity of this piece). Over all i think this is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteShout out to Emily Dickinson :)
ReplyDeleteI am impressed. This really sounds like her!
I like the inverted phrases because they are a hallmark of a Dickinson poem.
Kudos on the iambic pentameter and alternating end rhymes. In the third quatrain, 'reveal' doesn't end-rhyme with 'reside' (though they match in alliteration and assonance), and the dissonance threw me off. All the other alternating ending words rhyme.
I don't have any other suggestions. This is fantastic and demonstrates your skill as a poet.
*When I wrote "the dissonance threw me off," I meant that the lack of an end rhyme threw me off.
DeleteThere's a real whimsy to the dark honesty of this poem. And I have to say, the picture chosen was a good choice to help me visualize what we're talking about. I have to agree with Eli about the "Incorporeal," though I can understand if you want it to stand alone and abstract. The iambic pentameter is well kept -- I lost it in the third stanza and had to read it a few times to get it, but it is there. The "power" in the closing line is slightly off, but that's ok :) The vocabulary, rhythm, and profound content really drew me into this poem.
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ReplyDeleteI'm impressed by how you wrote this poem in almost flawless iambic pentameter without having to resort to simple words.
(I say "almost" flawless merely because "incorporeal" only works if you pronounce it as having only four syllables)
You write in this form with a confidence and a musicality.
I'm curious about what "reside" rhymes with. (I'm assuming it is a Shakespearean sonnet, but maybe some other form?)
Also, I believe it should be "its" not "it's" in the second to last line.
I really like the "me" "my self" "itself" tension--treating the self as both a separate being and nonetheless it being the self...also the splitting of "myself" into two words--indicating it is this independent being--the self--which merely is a part of you--which comes out to great effect in lines like"Myself sought to describe itself to me" and "It was to me my self had wished to teach."
I liked the lines "yet absent of the faculty of speech/My self could hardly explicate in verse"
as well as the image of "sorrowful, perplexing otherness"
You did a really good job of showing us this journey of the "self," from its struggles to express itself and then giving up--and I especially like the idea of the self living inside the speaker's emotions--influencing the speaker even as it failed to express itself in speech or exist as a separate identity.
I really like the opening line: "My self sought to describe itself to me-" I really enjoyed reading this poem. You're a fantastic writer, and deliver the message very smoothly. "Incorporeal" doesn't really fit in with the meter, but it was barely noticeable as the writing flows very well.
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